What Must I Do To Be Saved?

I tried to compile my thoughts into words that someone would feel. The task proved to be more difficult than it appeared. So I have to give it to you like this. In order for you to feel me I need you to close your eyes and take this trip with me, this trip down memory lane. I am going to go as far back as I could remember.
I can’t recall the year but it was the year in which we experienced a really bad snow storm. It was in the evening, my mom and I took public transportation from my grand mother’s house in Queens Bridge to our home in Jamaica, Queens. We got off the train at 179th Street; there were no busses running and no cabs to hail. We had bags, I was a baby and she was a single parent. We walked in the blistering cold; snow covering our tracks, the winds whipping our faces and the reality of life weighing us down. We walked from 179th Street to our apartment building on 208th Street. We walked 29 blocks, listen to me.
Did you hear me?
TWENTY NINE BLOCKS, with snow covering our tracks, the winds, whipping our faces and the reality of life weighing us down. She was a trooper, we played, we talked, we laughed, but I am sure inside she was crying. But I never saw her tears, I never shared her pain and I never went without. My mother is all that I have! She is not just my mother, she is my rock, my back bone, my best friend; she is my EVERYTHING. She raised me the best way she could; over compensating for his absence, but not enabling so I would be shiftless. As I got older reality sunk in that my mom was my mom and my dad! She played both roles! She was my superwoman!
Okay, now open your eyes.
Look at me!
Look at me!!!!!!
It would be so easy for me to say, “I DID IT!” But even a fool would know that wasn’t the truth; because WE DID IT!
SHE.
Me.
And HIM!!
Don’t get it twisted.
When I make reference to HIM, I am talking about my Heavenly Father because my PATERNAL FATHER wasn’t around. God gave her the strength to grow me up and now I pray He gives me the strength to help me GROW UP!
I pray he encourages me to leave my past in the past.
He helps me to recognize my mistakes as mistakes, and accept my poor decisions as LIFE LESSONS.
I pray he helps me to acknowledge my scars as LIVING CONSEQUENCES.
I pray he gives me the courage to call unto his NAME and surrender wholeheartedly because with my back against the wall and no where to turn, the only option I see fit…
Is for me to drop to my knees and cry out to him…
Lord, what must I do to be saved?
I am tired, in fact I am exhausted.
I am scared, in fact I am petrified.
I am scarred, I might even be scorned.
I am nervous.
I am starving.
I am parched.
I am mad.
I am sad.
I am hopeless.
Lord, what must I do to be saved?
I sin.
I cry.
I yell.
I curse.
I hurt.
Lord, what must I do to be saved?
My eyes, they are filled with tears.
My heart, with each beat the pain is even more intense.
My hands, they shake.
My legs, they shake.
My mind it races, beating me in my own race.
Lord, what must I do to be saved?
Speak to me Lord. I am listening I want to hear you.
My eyes, they are open.
My heart, it too is open.
My ears, they too are open.
Speak to me Lord.
I want to hear you!!
What must I do to be saved?

Believing in Me by: Monica

I apologize for what I've done
I admit that I was losing control
Didn't know that I was selling my soul
To someone who didn't care at all

Couldn't see that you were bad for me
Gave so much till it was making me weak
Now I can't believe the way that it feels
To finally be free

I've moved on and I'm strong
I'm going back to the place where I know I belong
And I'm glad that you're gone
'Cause you're not what I need, I'm believing in me

I moved on and I'm strong
I'm going back to the place where I know I belong
'Cause I'm right and you're wrong
'Cause you're not what I need, this time I'm believing in me

The love I had for you was so deep
I didn't notice there was something wrong with me
When someone asked me was there anything I need
I would cry and tell them, pray for me

But now I know exactly what it is
So I'm changing up the way that I live
I'm never letting go of my dreams
And baby, you'll see

I've moved on and I'm strong
I'm going back to the place where I know I belong
And I'm glad that you're gone
'Cause you're not what I need, I'm believing in me

I moved on and I'm strong
Going back to the place where I know I belong
'Cause I'm right and you're wrong
You're not what I need, I'm finally believing in me

So, I hope you can forgive me
I'm not gonna be the way that I used to be
Starting over can be so scary
But I'm gonna believe

Promise, I'm not gonna let me down
And my transformations starting right now
But I'm really glad you stuck around
'Cause you believed in me

So, I've moved on and I'm strong
I'm going back to the place where I know I belong
And I'm glad that you're gone
'Cause you're not what I need, I'm believing in me

I moved on and I'm strong
Going back to the place where I know I belong
'Cause I'm right and you're wrong
You are not what I need, I finally believe in me
Finally, finally believe in me, me, me

LORD What Are You Trying To Tell Me?.

SILENTLY and PATIENTLY listening... SPEAK TO ME LORD!!

Could It Be?.

Could It Be?.

He makes me a better person, I find myself smiling for no reason at all...then it all becomes so clear HE IS the reason..

Look baby boy, I have never been the one to be AFRAID of my feelings, but I did FEAR the CONSEQUENCES of my feelings. But the lessons learned served as my LIFE LESSONS; LIVING CONSEQUENCES.

But you came into my life and now I feel like I am living a dream, I am a better person when the thought of you lingers on my mental.

I am so in love with this "IDEA" of us. Yet, petrified of the "REALITY OF US"....

See I am a victim of my thoughts and a prisoner of LUST. My heart is barricaded by fear and apprehensive because the scars of LUST cut deep and mine have yet to heal.

So how far are you willing to go?

Do your actions mimic your words?

To be continued...

I am in love with a boy who I don't even know... I know of him... We met we even spent time together... But that doesn't mean I know him yet my heart yearns for his touch, his kiss, his smile, and HIS HEART!

Right now we are merely words on several pieces of paper. Papers that are the foundation of our relationship. His words speak to my soul and I hope my words feed his mind. There is so much distance and time between us yet he has taken up residency in my heart and he feels so close.

I feel a different feeling -- a feeling that I have never felt before...

But we are merely words on several pages...

Words that speak to my soul...

Could it be? That I am really in love with a boy I don't even know?.

He Wants To Be My Diary...

Good Morning eL Jay I hope you have a great day today...and that today brings more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow will!!! The Saga of a ORDINARY girl... What happens when what you want is not what I want?.. When the heart and mind play tug of war?.. So much turmoil no where to turn, too many lefts not enough rights... So you walk the straight and narrow to find no happiness there. What happens next is the only question you ask? Lord please send me a sign from above I am silently listening and patiently waiting in your time. Use me as a vessel to change the world. - just an ORDINARY girl.

I LOVE Music!!

For so long I have been DOING IT WRONG, and I am tired of being that BROKEN HEARTED GIRL, when I used to be that girl with the POCKET FULL OF SUNSHINE, now I am just UNWRITTEN. For so long my pain was MISUNDERSTOOD, but then I had a CONVERSATION WITH GOD, and he told me to ENCOURAGE MYSELF. For the past 8 years of my life I have been SCARED OF LONELY, not BELIEVING IN ME. I was so THROUGH WITH IT LOVE, but trying to love ME, but then I started writing this ANGEL OF MINE, and I can’t help but ask HOW DID YOU GET HERE? Then he said to me, AINT NO WAY, he was going to let me down and now I am doing JUST FINE! It feels like he’s ONE FOR ME, and I will be his SWEET LADY- FOREVER.
I bumped into so many SCRUBS, and now I am ready to sign those PAPERS, so that I can be free. I am searching for a REAL LOVE, because the TROUBLE WITH LOVE IS that so many people CREEP and leave us with TRUST ISSUES. Resulting in us doing the UNTHINKABLE- but you and I; WE’LL BE FINE. I’ve been waiting for you to COME AND TALK TO ME, I feel like a girl with a TEENAGE LOVE AFAIR.
I’ve been dealing with so many HEARTBREAKERS, didn’t know it was just WISHFUL THINKING, hence why I don’t believe in FAIRYTALES, but every time I think about you I get BUTTERFLIES, and you ROCK MY WORLD. And I can’t wait to make you MY EVERYTHING, and YOU’LL ALWAYS BE MY BABY, JUST DON’T FORGET ABOUT US, because WE BELONG TOGETHER. I’ve been CRYING OUT TO YOU, and you have finally LISTENED and put my LOVE ON TOP, and now we are UNBREAKABLE, and I just want to CATER TO YOU.
Although I don’t know you, I’M OFFCIALLY MISSING YOU, and I CAN’T HELP BUT WAIT for you to come home, so I can meet this STRANGER IS MY HOUSE (heart; home is where the heart is!)
I just want to be NEXT TO YA, you bring out the BEST OF ME, and I NEED YOU BAD!
I want to be BODY TO BODY, so I can look into your BROWN EYES, and see the LOVE that seeps from your soul. So LET’S CHILL, because I really CAN’T BELIEVE IT, SOMETHING’S GOT A HOLD ON ME. And I don’t want to be WITHOUT YOU.
It’s a SURE THING that I STILL GOT IT for you, and I just want to DANCE FOR YOU because you leave me SPEECHLESS but I am fluent in body language.
You’re SO SPECIAL and it all can be SO SIMPLE, if you just BE CLOSE TO ME.
I am tired of singing of the SAME OLD SONG, but you have come and EASED MY MIND, and I am ready for THE RIDE. I told my momma that there’s a THUG IN MY LIFE and we about to get it POPPIN. PRACTICE so we can paint this perfect POTRAIT OF LOVE.
I’m just an ORDINARY GIRL that loves LOVE!

No Longer Scared of LONELY...I'm GOD'S Child!!

For so many years I put them before me…my feelings didn’t matter…I was able to swallow the lump in my throat and smile because I had too…but I cried when I was alone…and my smile faded when it was just Me, Myself, and I…I had my back against the wall…I had no where to turn…so I turned to LUST to avenge the pain of LOVE…afraid of LONELY…I was to prideful to be that LONELY BROKEN HEARTED GIRL…but I was sick of playing with LIFE…I got bored fuxking LUST…and was tired of chasing LOVE…so I decided to spend some time wit LONELY…take the time to get to know him…and I’m now no longer scared of LONELY, I actually enjoy his company…

LONELY is so gentle.

LONELY is calm.

LONELY is sweet.

LONELY makes me smile.

LONELY, oh my sweet, LONELY.

You know my fears, my secrets, and my dreams. You cherish them as if they were gold and you protect them in your heart.

LONELY, at my worst you are my BEST.

You’re my smile when I can’t seem to lose the frown.

You’re my peace during the storm.

And you really have no idea. “/

LONELY, be patient with me, take your time getting to know me…my heart is in so many pieces and only one person can put them together…he is molding me, and shaping me into the young woman I ought to be to make you the happiest man in the world…When I forget the lyrics to my song…let me listen to your heart beat because it’s the sweetest melody. It soothes my pains, conquers my fears, and gives me hope. I am not bitter towards LOVE; I just prefer my LOVE be pure, genuine and TRUE.

"A Woman's Heart Should Be So Lost in God That A Man Needs to Seek Him In Order to Find Her." – Maya Angelou

LONELY is my best friend and I LOVE you...<3